Time Turns People into Strangers

And I think that's what we need. 

One day, I wont know your favorite color. And you wont know mine. I wont know your favorite song and mine changes all the time. I wont know if you still like your coffee the same, and I'm still not drinking as much these days.

One day I will see you and not recognize the expression in your eyes, if I even get to see them behind that cool exterior. One day you will look at me and see that I also do not look the same. There's something subtle something changed. 

One day I will not know if you still cant fall asleep to that repetitive noise and you will not know if I still have trouble without you sleeping by my side. I will not remember the way your hand feels, it will be a distant memory and you will not remember the way I always wanted to hold it.

One day we will notice that nothing is truly repairable and everything will stay a little broken. One day I will see you and I will see everything I ever wanted and everything that could not be mine.

One day I will not know you. And you will not know me. But isnt that beautiful? Isnt it beautiful to start again?

One day I will not know your favorite color, but I might want to know again. I may not know how you take your coffee but maybe I would memorize it again. One day I will not recognize the expression in your eyes, but you might recognize the expression in mine. One day there might be another chance to start over and make it right this time.

Time turns people into strangers but that is so amazing. Because if there is any person I would like to learn about over and over and over again, it would be you. 

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Background: So I went for a run this morning, I woke up at 4:40 to get ready and catch the first bus. I really wanted to see the sunrise. I missed the rise, but I did see something really beautiful in the horizon. I wasn't expecting to run into him, I figured he would have gone the day before or not be up that early, but just my luck, you know?

It's not that I wouldn't have liked to see him, but I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to see him and to not see him at the same time. I just wanted to go up, do a devotion for the morning, come back down, and go home, which is technically what I did, but I didn't stick around like I had intended to before I ran into him.

It was also not entirely unexpected but I also had a really good progress check after that happened. After seeing him, I actually felt better than I thought I would. I figured I would have gone home and cried or something, but no. I went and learned how to drive and went shopping and came home. No tears, but of course I thought of him.

I picked up this book called "getting over your breakup" that I am going to read. I think it might be interesting to read what someone else suggests. This is my first breakup but I think I'm doing better than I thought I would. 

I also stopped taking my birth control though, so that could be why I dont feel overly dramatic today. Already I feel more in tune with myself than I have for the past few months. We'll see how I feel after this exhaustion wears off though, I haven't eaten since 8am. It is now 4:19 so I should get to it.

I feel kind of silly, you know, still loving someone after they told me to do me and follow my dreams and live my life and be happy, you know, without them. And if it were someone else, I probably could, I could go on about my life and make myself better and maybe even a little bit bitter, but there is just something about him, you know, that doesnt make me want to be better without him. He makes me want to be a better person of course, but not because I'm better without him, I will be better because of him.

I know its foolish to hold someone so high in your values, as if they do no wrong, but he (surprisingly) is the reason why I am handling our breakup as well as I am. He gave me some advice long before this happened, about going on and doing what you have to do instead of letting yourself go and so I listened. I did everything I was already responsible to do, I woke up early, ate my breakfast, drank my water, worked, ate lunch AND dinner, read, practiced my spanish, and went to sleep. I did that every. single. day. without fail. I kept to my routine and of course in between those tasks I cried or talked too much to friends and coworkers and even strangers, asking how long it will hurt for and such and they all gave me pretty good responses. 

Everyone handles a breakup differently. I found that I wanted to post so many stupid things on facebook for soooooo long and I deleted a lit of things too, but because I felt stupid about it lol. Well this is my blog and I can very much post whatever I please here.

So anyway, I'll be up at 4 again to go walk up that hill again and I know he wont be there this time. I miss him a lot guys. I miss spending time with him. I miss talking with him and now that I cant, suddenly I have so many things to say. It's funny how things work out that way.  

But tonight I have a birthday party to attend and I will enjoy a couple of hours before coming home like the responsible adult that I am. 👀. yeah. 

I have this idea that time can heal a lot but the people have to be willing to try again you know? Of course I'm willing. Not now -- that's another story, but later, of course. I'm just really really sure that someone is going to see how amazing he is and she will be able to love him right the first time around. And if and when that happens, she will be the luckiest girl in the world. And I will be happy for them. I will be happy for him. And her. Because as much as I would love to do this right a next time, we dont always get that choice. We dont always get that chance and people tell me to never let people truly know how much they mean to you, but he can know. He can know because he's my first. The first man that ever made it past the first date, the first man I have ever loved, and the first man to really break my heart. And I'm okay with that simply because he is him.

I hope you all have a lovely night and stay safe 💙

xx Angelina